The Food Snob
Gnomes are among the most benign of the legendary creatures. Their name comes from the Greek word for knowledge and according to legend (according to Wikipedia), gnomes hoarded secret knowledge just as they hoarded treasure. Hence, the namesake of the Happy Gnome restaurant, bar and musical torture chamber (more about that later), must know something that Without Reservations doesn’t. Hoping that it was fine food, the Without Reservations crew – accompanied by our cub reviewer Bassett Boy – went to unearth the Happy Gnome’s treasure.
We found a clean, sunny space that formerly housed Chang O’Haras, and surprisingly ambitious food for a bar that purportedly offers more than 100 beers. Among the dishes we sampled were salmon in coconut curry, fig and wild mushroom pizza, bacon bison burger, and desserts from the nearby A Piece of Cake. I ordered the crab cakes, which were more like croquettes – firm and somewhat dry. There was more breading and less crab than ideal, but the accompanying salad was nice and fresh.
It was difficult to concentrate on the food because of the ‘70s middle-of-the-road music playing (loudly) throughout our lunch. As the oldest person at the table, I knew all the songs, but I didn’t really like them 30 years ago, and find them less appealing now. The music acted as an irritant to my younger companions, as if I was forced to listen to Perry Como for an extended period. Gnomes must demand easy listening music like Harry Chapin, but what about the rest of us? Try the Happy Gnome for beer, above average food, but consider bringing earplugs.
The Cheapskate
I have been studying up on the nuanced distinction between obstinacy and stubbornness. Being obstinate is when you refuse to do something. Being stubborn is when you refuse NOT to do something. The Bachelor is obstinate. If he is not on board, you can threaten and cajole to your heart’s content. He just smiles with implacable serenity. The Snob, on the other hand, is stubborn.
Between the two of them, it’s always interesting to predict which form of hard-headedness will prevail. In this case, the Snob was so stubbornly intent on visiting a beer palace at lunchtime (which sounded dubious to the rest of us) that even the Bachelor’s obstinacy was reduced to a sad, knowing shake of the head.
Thus it was that we found ourselves strapped into the red Matrix, barreling down Selby Avenue and screeching to a halt in the barren tundra that is the Happy Gnome parking lot at 11:30 a.m. The Happy Gnome is open for lunch … technically. On the bright side, we had our choice of seating and enjoyed a spacious, sunny booth right next to the bar. It was almost as if we had the entire wait staff and kitchen staff to ourselves.
Wait, we did.
The Gnome thing was bugging me before we even got there. It’s over. It was clever in “The Full Monty” and all those TV ads for something or other. But gnomes have seen their day. Somebody needs to inform Wikipedia. The food is not your average bar fare. I had the salmon, served over fresh greens soaked in a sweet coconut milk sauce. I really enjoyed it. Learning that the desserts come from A Piece of Cake bakery across the street, we split a couple and polished them off in no time.
Bottom line for the Cheapskate: Ample free parking is a boon on Cathedral Hill, and I’ll be returning sometime in the near future to sample the beer and the atmosphere—in the evening. The Happy Gnome, by its location and ambitious menu, has lunch destination potential. However, in my view, it did not measure up to the gastro-gnomic reputation that made the Snob so stubborn about going in the first place.
Bassett Boy
Wanting to enjoy the still bearable weather, the first thing we did after arriving at the Happy Gnome was check out the outdoor seating. Blocked off by tall privacy fences and a lot of plants, it would have been a perfect spot to eat, except for the swarm of angry bees. Well actually we only saw one bee, but the Bachelor got scared, so we headed inside.
First to catch my attention were the large totem poles on either side of the entrance. I wondered about the connection between gnomes and the strange looking figures that made up the totem poles, maybe that’s one of the secrets that the restaurant is keeping. After sitting down, my eyes were drawn to the large sign listing out the impressive beer selection. If only I didn’t have to go back to work, and function.
When the waiter rattled off his favorite dishes, I was excited to learn that they have a bison burger, and not just a regular one, a bacon bison burger. I called “dibs” and patiently waited while my counterparts decided. The food came and I took a big juicy bite. It was delicious and cooked exactly as I asked, medium rare. It was so flavorful that I avoided dipping it in ketchup, the true test of a burger’s worth. When I go back to the Happy Gnome, next time after work, I will definitely order the bacon bison burger again.
The Bachelor
I’ll have Bassett Boy know I’ve been wearing “bee beards” since his stubby little mohawk was little more than a bad case of “bed head.” I only wanted to go inside because I couldn’t find enough hornets to assemble into the proper sort of Grizzly Adams-esque chin drapery that I’m known for.
And as for the Cheapskate’s outrageous accusation of me being obstinate, let me just say I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever agree with her.
Now, on to the gnomes (you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to utter that phrase). Where the heck were they?!?! I was expecting a virtual Candyland™ of frolicking, androgynous little old men littering every conceivable inch of this rather large bar (it’s not really a restaurant.) Yet, I could only find one sad, lonely little ceramic gnome perched inconspicuously above the bar. A day trip to one of those atrocious yard ornament outlets on the way to Brainerd could have stocked this place with more gnomes that even the Food Snob has in her curio cabinets. Yet, it was virtually barren. There would be no woodland magic, no wisps of pixy dust, no creepy glassy-eyed stares from little old men. Our hearts were heavy…..
Alas, this wasn’t the first – and I’m sure won’t be the last – time I’ll be disappointed by a gnome fantasy unfilled. I was left with no choice but to try and console myself with the fig and wild mushroom pizza that arrived amid the soulful croonings of Cat Stevens (I have to agree with the Snob that the choice of musical selections at the Happy Gnome defied any explanation of taste or cognitive reasoning).
The Happy Gnome
498 Selby Ave.,
St. Paul
651-287-2018
www.thehappygnome.com
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rettmartin.com » Blog Archive » Introducing The Chowhound // November 7, 2006 at 5:11 am
[...] Introducing The Chowhound A couple of months ago I found out that I work with The Food Snob, The Bachelor, and The Cheapskate, restaurant reviewers for my community magazine: The Midway Monitor. I told them how much I enjoyed their section, and in return they invited me to join them for a review. I was happy when they let me write a guest review, and even more happy when they invited me to join again. I’ve now tagged along for three reviews and earned the name “The Chowhound,” although in my review of The Happy Gnome I am called “Basset Boy.” [...]