India Palace

The Food Snob

What does India Palace restaurant have in common with the motley crew who review restaurants for the Midway-Como Monitor?

 

India is arguably the most diverse country on earth, with dozens of ethnic groups and religions jammed together.  Mostly the center holds, but the disparate viewpoints occasionally escalate into bitter strife.  That in a nutshell reflects the dynamics inherent in the churning relationship between me, the Bachelor and the Cheapskate. 

Splitting up our partnership is unthinkable, but togetherness sometimes chafes a little.  Or it used to, anyway, when we all worked together.  Last summer I moved on to a new workplace in Minneapolis.  Soon, the Bachelor decided the grass was greener across the river, and came to work with me.  Now the triumvirate is complete again, with the Cheapskate ensconced in a cozy workspace just down the hall.  We’re like three peas in a pod again, and the bickering has begun anew.

Speaking of peas, I loved the way the little green gems studded a murky beef curry at India Palace.  And the way a silky tomato butter sauce swathed bits of white meat in the chicken tikka masala.  And the contrasting textures of cauliflower and potatoes in the aloo gobi.  These three dishes are examples of how the cuisines of India harmonize beautifully in a single buffet line.  The Bachelor will no doubt describe his recent trip to India in the space below, but my armchair travels reveal that Indians generally stay true to their cultural heritage when they eat.  Some dishes are definitely Punjabi, others Goan, and still others reflect the dietary preferences of Hindu sects.  Some groups eat no meat and others are even stricter – refusing root vegetables because of concern about killing plants.  Some groups feel that onions and garlic are too stimulating and therefore dangerous to serenity.

India Palace ignores all of the those constraints and puts out tasty, plentiful food that is no more threatening to Minnesotans than the burgers that used to emerge from this former Happy Chef site.  For about $8 ($9 on weekends) the lunch buffet offers all the rice, mildly spiced stews, salad and creamy pudding that you wish.  We gleefully devoured three or four plates apiece as we gloried at the prospects of working together again –driving each other crazy in this lifetime and perhaps beyond.  I’d call that karma.

The Bachelor
Yes, as the Snob noted (thunder stealer!), I recently returned from three weeks of explosive diarrhea, bone-crushing jet lag, rivers of cow manure, burning corpses, and complete and total insanity. In other words, I was in India. As is always the case with the Snobista (and I’m sure it will be in the next life as well … dang this karma!) she is pitifully misinformed and confused.

To so casually use terms such as “serenity” and “harmonize” within 9,000 words of any mention of
India is cause for a spanking by any and all of the many arms of Vishnu.

Now before I come across as some spoiled, Strawberry Quik-weaned, Midwestern, closed-minded, ethnocentric college boy (which I am, of course), let me just say I went to India of my own free will … and I’m so glad I did. No, the subcontinent is not an easy, relaxing place to visit (nor did I expect it to be). What it is: incredibly fascinating, devastating, inspiring, and bewildering. I guess it is life. And like any life well-lived, India is a shotgun blast to the senses.

Speaking of sensory assault … While the Food Snob is (for once) quite right about the food at India Palace, which is indeed quite tasty and palatable to Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, and Wiccans for all I know, the atmosphere is even more authentically Indian. Let me explain. It is a former Happy Chef in Roseville stocked with convention center furniture, exotic Indian art, and a steady stream of portly, pale-faced lunch patrons. It’s a jumble of contradictions. It makes no sense. It is so
India.

I was mesmerized by – and had my retinas scarred by- the giant, garishly colored quilt-like awning thingy [the Cheapskate interjects: some might call it a canopy] hanging above our table. A bit like a big cloth kaleidoscope. I half-expected (and sort of wished) it would flutter down and smother us in absurdity. Trapped and overstimulated, we would be helpless to escape – simply another addition to the menagerie of contradictions that is India Palace. 

Knowing now that the Snob, Cheapy and myself will again be spending our workdays within a few short cubicles of one another, day after day after day after endless day … I rather wish such an end had befallen us.

The Cheapskate
Whoa Nellie! Back the truck up, Snob. You can’t just go tossing around terms like tandoori, curry, vindaloo, and masala and expect the average Minnesotan to knowingly stroke his or her whiskered chin. All right, we might do that just to be polite and avoid a lecture from you, but we are not all fully immersed in the various schools of Indian cuisine.

So I will step forward to be the responsible adult (I should be used to this by now) who actually considers the reader’s interests, not just the sound of my own genius. The following information is plagiarized, that is to say adapted, from www.epicurious.com.  This is my go-to source for all things culinary – that is, when the Snob’s 24/7 hotline is down for routine maintenance. (“911, what is the nature of your gourmet emergency? If it involves take-out, please press 1; for snappy comebacks to snippy waitstaff, press 2; for overcooking issues, press 3; in a seasoning emergency, please press 0 for immediate personal assistance.”)

Back to definitions. Here’s the elevator speech: Tandoori is about an oven, and the other three categories are about secret spice blends. Tandoori refers to food made in a tandoor oven, made of brick and clay and kept at about the temperature of the “Clean” cycle on my kitchen range. Therefore, foods cook fast. Meat, vegetables, and the crispy-moist flatbread called naan are cooked in tandoor-style ovens.

Curry is probably at least vaguely familiar to many of my fellow Midway-Comopolitans. It comes from the word kari, which apparently means “sauce.” It’s a hot and spicy, gravy-based dish. Just about anything can actually be swimming in the gravy, analogous to the tradition-steeped can cream of mushroom soup of my own heritage – only tastier. Vindaloo is like curry only more so. It is the “most mouth-searing” of the curries, according to epicurious.com. I say no more. Masala is a spice blend with anywhere from three to three thousand secret ingredients. Cardamom, coriander, and mace often make an appearance, according to my source.

Now I’ve used most of my allotted space, so I hope I haven’t just told you things that you’ve known since I was a fishstick-eating toddler.

Next stop: Cheap Street. The India Palace gets the Faux-Golden Cheapy award for its unusual combination of modest cost, excellent food, tasteful ambience (pay no attention to the Bachelor behind the curtain), fast and unobtrusive service, real tablecloths, and acres of free parking in front of and behind the building. All this with an $8 lunch buffet ($9 on weekends), and dinner entrées starting at $7.95.

For a special night out, try one of the more-than-ample “Dinners for Two” – Tandoori, Biryani, or Vegetarian. That way you get the official sanction to try other people’s food. Not that I need permission, but the Bachelor tends to swat at unauthorized hands in the no-fly zone around his plate.

Final note: India Palace is a great choice for groups, especially for lunch outings when you need to move things along and get back to the office for your post-buffet torpor, I mean productivity spike. Plus, if your group includes a mix of vegetarians and carnivores (and what group doesn’t anymore, for pete’s sake), everybody will leave feeling they got not a token but a first-class entrée.

Contact the Without Reservations writers to demand better capitalization, punctuation, or use of transitional sentences: withoutres@yahoo.com.

India Palace
2570 Cleveland Ave. N.

Roseville

651-631-1222

Menu: www.indiapalacemn.com

Open daily 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. and 5-10 p.m.

Exceptions:

Fri. and Sat. dinner until 10:30 p.m.

Sunday lunch starts at 11:30